Recently, I was reading a Baby Blues comic strip. In it, the parents were contemplating why they didn't have a van with the built-in vacuum. They quickly realized that one existed (the Honda Odyssey Touring Elite), but that it was $45,000. The parents then thought about installing a goat instead, at which point the humor was lost on me.

There's been a lot of talk on Jalopnik during the past few months about setting the cross-country record. You know, driving a vehicle from New York City to Los Angeles in the least amount of time possible. It sounds like the greatest record you could possibly set in the world, until you realize that someone set a record for balancing a car on his head and that Guinness doesn’t publish cross-country records.

We all have our automotive nightmares. On Jalopnik, this mainly consists of "Oh no! The Miata's gone front-drive!" to "Darn! I can only find automatic CTS-V wagons on Autotempest!" to "Egad! Dash cams are banned in Russia? What am I going to watch on my coffee breaks?!"

Recently, I had to endure a couple talking about their recent trip to Europe. They bragged about how fast they went on the autobahn (the speeding tickets are yet to arrive in the mail), how excellent the food was (they paid 100 euros per meal; they forgot the breadsticks aren't free), and how beautiful the scenery was (can’t argue with that, but they repeat it so darn much).

A few months ago, I wrote a list about coupes that should be turned into sedans. Like I usually do, I received a lot of vitriol for that piece. Much of it did with things involving beauty, and me being a poor judge of it. This clearly did not bode well for my goal of being on the Miss America judging committee.

Because I'm the kind of person that can talk about Magnetic Ride Control for hours, I’ve decided to focus on a subject which fourteen people in the world care about. No, it’s not about the font on Lexus navigation systems. Or tuning the radio using voice commands. And it’s not about touch points, because I've written about that before. 

As a car enthusiast, I'd like to think of myself as someone who loves fast cars and lives with the consequences (maxed-out bank account, following Taki Inoue on Twitter, collect way too many model cars for my own good, wake up early to watch Sebastian Vettel dominate a race and promptly complain about it), not someone who prizes comfort over everything else. However, this perceived need for a sport package has been overdone. And I, an individual far too young to even contemplate such a thing, will explain why.